today you had a panic attack. Having experienced them myself, I know how awful they are. Your chest tightening, your breathing speeding up, your mind reeling. I don’t know what caused your panic, or where your mind was that provoked so much fear. All I know is that I held you and sang you a soft song, and you calmed down.
You called out “mommy” when you were deep in panic mode. I wish I knew whether you were referring to me, or calling out for your biological mom. I don’t know which it was, but I know that R and I were the ones to answer your call.
Is it terrible, I wonder, to gain so much hope from your pain and vulnerability? I know it sucks to have a panic attack, but I can’t help but wonder if just maybe, you needed to have one. You need to hurt so that R and I can help soothe you. I hear that that is how attachment between parents and children work. If you never needed anything, we couldn’t give you anything. We couldn’t really bond.
I feel like the worst mom ever to be thankful for your panic attack…..but it was the highlight of my day to hold you and sing you a lullaby. I resolved one of my struggles tonight. I’ve been wondering if I can really love you. I’ve wondered if I can really be your mom the way I am A and S’s mom. Sweet boy, the answer is yes.
I can be your mom. I can love you. I do love you.