Dear T

Dear T,

sometimes it really hits me how often you have been betrayed. You hide it well, going about your day to day activities, and sometimes I forget how hurt you really are. But then you do or say something so small, and the force of your heartbreaks hits me like a ton of bricks.

How hurt really manifests is a secret they never tell foster parents in the trainings, and it’s something biological parents can only sort of relate to. Because lots of people will go on and on about the big stuff; the running away, the hyperactivity, the ptsd. But your heartbreak shows startlingly against the backdrop of the everyday, the mundane. I see it in the way you raise your eyebrows sarcastically when I tell you that the routine today will be the same as it was yesterday. I hear it in the simplicity of your mantra that “everyone breaks their promises”. Today, I could see it in your fear that your dog will be taken away, even though we told you we’d keep her.

The gut-wrenching truth of your heartbreak is that you don’t trust us, even a little. You have been hurt far to much to trust us. You are certain that we’ll betray you, because everyone else has. My beloved child, I wish I could tell you that your heartbreak breaks my heart too. I wish I could show you that hurting you would be hurting myself. I love you, T. I know you’ll take a lot of time to love me back., but I’ll be here waiting.

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