Dear T

My sweet boy, I hate that it has to be this way. I hate that one second you scream that you want to leave, but when I told you that you are leaving you say you want to stay. I wish that R and I could let you stay. I want you to stay so badly that it is a physical burden, but you have to go.

I can’t keep you safe from yourself. I can’t keep A safe from you. You are precious to me, but A is my eldest daughter, the child of my heart that I worked so hard for. I can’t stand by and let you hurt her. I won’t let you hurt yourself.

I wanted so badly to be your mama. I love you so, so much. I can hardly breathe when I remember that you are leaving, and I find myself crying my eyes out all to often.

You bring chaos into my home, but it isn’t your fault. The chaos was inflicted upon you when you were very small. But my darling, you carry the chaos with you and you spread it around. I love you, but I can’t let you spread chaos and fear and danger in my home.

I’m so, so sorry that we have failed you. I’m sorry that we can’t meet your needs. I’m sorry that you are getting sent away again.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s