Dear T

My sweet boy, I hate that it has to be this way. I hate that one second you scream that you want to leave, but when I told you that you are leaving you say you want to stay. I wish that R and I could let you stay. I want you to stay so badly that it is a physical burden, but you have to go.

I can’t keep you safe from yourself. I can’t keep A safe from you. You are precious to me, but A is my eldest daughter, the child of my heart that I worked so hard for. I can’t stand by and let you hurt her. I won’t let you hurt yourself.

I wanted so badly to be your mama. I love you so, so much. I can hardly breathe when I remember that you are leaving, and I find myself crying my eyes out all to often.

You bring chaos into my home, but it isn’t your fault. The chaos was inflicted upon you when you were very small. But my darling, you carry the chaos with you and you spread it around. I love you, but I can’t let you spread chaos and fear and danger in my home.

I’m so, so sorry that we have failed you. I’m sorry that we can’t meet your needs. I’m sorry that you are getting sent away again.


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