Sometimes, I really feel like a crappy person. I second guess myself all to hell because I couldn’t take or keep a kid or I turned down an adoption referral. I have this idea that if I could just be a little bit better or stronger or more loving or more patient, then I could help more kids. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve actually helped any kids at all.

But then I remember some things that my temporary kids have said to me. Little Z said that she was really scared of R and I, but at the end of our weekend, she wasn’t scared anymore. She had never had a snowball fight before staying with us, and we got to give her that positive experience. T said that his family didn’t stick by him, but that he knew we would. Even since he’s left, he continues to end each of our phone calls with “I love you”.

I also remember the workers and casemanagers who said that they were surprised we kept A after her suicide attempt. Or the worker that told me that we were T’s longest placement, that we stuck around longer than anyone else.

In the middle of my “I am a terrible person and wrong for this job” days, I have trouble with perspective. It’s possible I haven’t helped the kids much. However, maybe if I am a very lucky Mama, when I get to heaven, God will tell me that I made a positive difference in these kiddos’ lives. My dream is that when all is said and done, my kids’ lives will be better for me being in them, and I try to hold on to that dream on the bad days.

“Children are not a distraction from more important work, they are the most important work.” – Dr John Trainer


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