What I Can Give

All my kids touch me deeply, but there are some that just wreck me. ML is one, and so was L. But the kid that hit me hardest has always been T. I wanted more than anything to be able to adopt him, and I don’t think I’ve ever cried harder than the day we made the decision to let him go.

Right now, T just got out of juvie, and has no placement. In other words, he’s a homeless kid that no one can handle. And today was his 13th birthday.

It kills me that I can’t parent T the way I wanted too. I can’t give him a home right now. But what I could give him was a good birthday, so R and I got him from the social worker’s office and gave him the best damn birthday we could.

We can’t give T so much of what he needs, but we gave him a cake, a cookout, fireworks, a new mp3 player, and time with his friends and family. I know it doesn’t take away the amazing amount of hurt he’s been through, but I can and do let T know that no matter what, he is loved.

When faced with the problems these kids I take have, sometimes I just want to quit fostering altogether. What can I do against generations of violence, drugs, and poverty? I used to be of the naive mindset that if I could love these kids hard enough, things would get better. The truth is that sometimes, no matter how much I love them or how hard I pray, my kids fail. I think T will be in jail for most of his life. I can’t change that. These days, I just want to give my kids as much as I can. Today, I got to give a hurting kid a birthday party. God willing, what I give to my kids can make at least a small difference.

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