Honest Christmas Card

This is the time of year that people send out their family christmas cards. As they tend to consist mostly of thinly veiled bragging, I’ve never sent them out and I tend to hate receiving them. However, if I were to send one, it would likely be of the honest variety. Here is what I would send:

This year has been a busy one for us in the (name redacted) household!

S: S recently turned four, and has been insufferable ever since. We are considering selling her. Her hobbies this year include making fart noises with her mouth, whining constantly, and refusing to take her afternoon nap. S spends most of her time expressing her frustration at not being allowed to eat string cheese and granola bars exclusively.

A1: How time flies! A1 came to us at sixteen, and turned nineteen this year. She still, of course, acts like a three-year-old on a regular basis. A1 spends most of her time on video games and avoiding going to her classes at college (grades status: flunking spectacularly), but also enjoys being an annoying know-it-all and complaining about having to put away the dishes.

A2: A2 is our most recent acquisition, and is just barely emerging from her honeymoon period. Her hobbies include trying to smoke without us knowing, shoplifting, and skyping with her boyfriend. A2 is the most tolerable of our children at the moment, basely solely on the fact that she only hates R and I about thirty percent of the time and keeps her room sort of clean.

Misc: We had a grand total of fifteen (!!!) other kids between the ages of two and seventeen come through our doors this year. Most of them were little shits, but we love them anyway. We only had three suicide attempts and one homicide attempt this year, which considering none succeeded, is a pretty good ratio overall. We continue to maintain contact with several of the kids.

R and I: Despite one of the hardest years of our lives, R and I remain married (year six, baby!). R changed jobs four times this year, and currently works in the exact same field for slightly more money. I am on the verge of a total neurotic breakdown, and recently began therapy and drinking vast amounts of coffee. Our hobbies as a couple consist solely of trying desperately to get enough sleep and arguing over nothing.


Merry Christmas everyone! Lord help us all….


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