AE gives me so many conflicting feelings recently. She can stand there, with all the pent-up anger of 14 years of neglect, and be a raging wildfire that makes me want to go all murder/suicide on her. But in the same day, she can be so very sweet and gentle that my heart just melts into a puddle of maternal goo.
I’m just trying to hold as tightly to the good moments as I can, because despite AE having been here for two full months now, I do not feel at all connected to her. It’s terrible and it makes me feel like human garbage to admit it, but it’s true. I, who can form emotional connections to things like beetles, cannot seem to connect to my own foster daughter.
It’s really the rage that does it. It’s very difficult to form a connection to someone who was cursing and screaming at you ten minutes ago, no matter what that person is currently doing. AE carries so much anger (understandably so), that it is hard to see past it to the hurting child that she is.
Still, I’m trying. AE has moments that are are so, so sweet sometimes. For example, the other morning I was awakened by giggles, and went downstairs to find AE teaching little S to play a video game. And two days ago, she informed me that she wanted to do something nice for A, and asked me what I thought A would like.
This kid is so different from day to day, and even hour to hour, I’m having trouble pinpointing the kid underneath the feelings that she wears on her sleeve. Borderline personality disorder doesn’t go well with hormones.
We’re taking things a day at a time and hoping for a spot in a PRTF to open up soon. I don’t have the training or capability to be an emotional punching bag for a kid that I feel almost nothing towards. I really hope that the kind of intensive therapy that PRTF provides will help cut through some of the anger, and that the family therapies will help me to be a better mama to the real kid underneath.